Jennifer Aniston as Rachel Green in Friends (1994-2004)
A few weeks ago, I embarked on a discussion with one of my close friends in which the subject of sexism came up. She told me that I should not feel so distressed about the matter, because I had never been hit by a boyfriend, and because, as a matter of fact, I had never had a boyfriend. For some reason, this observation catalysed a momentum in my thinking, because, all of a sudden, it hit me that the things I now take for granted as basic knowledge are unbeknownst to the very majority of the people I know.
I was incredibly fortunate because I ended up studying Comparative Literature at University. I believe that the sole fact that I did not know what Comparative Literature was at all is the best reason I unknowingly had to pursue the course. Comparative Literature is a degree that centres on world literature, on texts produced by socially oppressed groups that, through the art and philosophy under study, fight to regain dignity and break the societal stigmas that are still in vigour to this day.
The fact that I did not know what this course was says something about my privilege. My view that I needed it more than those who already had a relatively extended knowledge on it is based on the fact that my lack of awareness was deeply problematic for society and for myself. This is a list of all the things that, up to less than a year ago, I did not think had anything to do with feminism, and that, I can now assure you, certainly do.
Feminism is, fundamentally, the movement that is aware of the double standards society globally imposes on people depending on their sex, proposing, in contrast, that while sex is biological, gender is performative, and that females should be treated as equal to males. (Intersectional) Feminism is aware that, currently, this fair treatment has not been achieved, and thus seeks to raise such an awareness to begin to decrease the immense oppression (an oppression that is not truly beneficial for any of the sexes) imposed on females, especially those who are non-white, for whom the problem hugely intensifies.
This seems basic, yet many (white) men have pointed out to me that they feel reluctant to ‘join’ the movement, which leads me to the first point on my list:
‘Honestly, the fact that this whole thing is called Feminism is itself a turn off for me. The fact that the movement is called that way makes it look like women want to assert their superiority to men, and that is so unfair on us!’
Okay so, let’s talk about unfair. The reason why you should not have a problem with a movement being called ‘Feminism’ is because this is not a movement that celebrates something that is there already. This is a movement that demands change. This is a movement that, first and foremost, asserts the awareness of the current state of things, which is anything but egalitarian. This movement is here to give a voice to the oppressed. Before we celebrate equality, we need to get there. Before we fill the silence that has been forced upon us, we need to be heard. So men, you need to let us speak. Many of the guys who have spoken the words cited above, also add that they do believe in equality. My thought is that they might do, but they must lack the basic information they need to actually know what feminism even is: if you knew what it was, if you knew that equality is not there yet, why would you problematise its name so much?
‘I am a feminist, but I do not believe women are superior to men’.
Honey, you are not a feminist. Once again, I have been told this countless times: guys (and more women than you would believe) apparently really get the wrong message that we want to be ‘more’ than them. No, you guys, we just want to be able to BE. You can only be a feminist if you are female, thus, if you are a guy and you say you are a feminist, you are not, since you do not even know basic terminology. If you are a male who supports feminism (which you are infinitely welcome to do, and is much needed at all times), you are an ally. You need to come to terms with the fact that, even though patriarchy has caused you suffering too although you might not know it, you will never have to go through what we go through every single day in our lives. Furthermore, if you really want to call yourself part of the movement, do not do that and then add that you do not think women are superior to men ‘though’. I do not know which movement might have put the idea in your head that women believe themselves to be of more worth than you, but whichever it is, it is not feminism. Feminism’s ultimate goal and core is equality, so why do you keep insisting on the wrong assumption that we picture ourselves as superior?
‘I cannot take it anymore, all these women talking about gender violence, look at that woman murdering her boyfriend and nobody saying anything about it!!!’.
This one really was a hard one to explain without getting mad. So, gender violence (which is another issue feminism makes us aware of) is the name given to the violence operated on someone due to the gender they perform. Hence, if a man murders his wife, we are safe to think that he often was – at least partly – affected by the ideology he lives in, which constantly tells him that he, as a man, is superior to his wife. This belief confers him the power to, for instance, be violent or even murder her if she, for example, meets up with a guy he has asked her to keep out of her life. In gender crime and violence, ideology plays a crucial part. This is why, when a woman murders her husband, we do not talk about it as ‘gender violence’, but as ‘crime’ or ‘violence’ per se. Fundamentally, gender violence is violence – partly – caused by an internalised ideology, whilst other forms of violence have nothing to do with ideology (such as a wife murdering her husband).
‘OMG I am so sorry I blatantly ignored you for three days straight and cancelled all our plans without giving you an explanation babe, I was really just super sad about him wanting to break up with me’.
Countless times, my friends have told me this. And I have to admit I have said things along these lines many, many times. Furthermore, when my friends have told me those words, I have immediately, automatically backed off, I have put my anger, dignity, self-love and friendship values away. If you look closely at what I did there, it was putting before myself not only a guy that mattered to me, but my friend’s boyfriend, or even fling!!! Someone I BARELY KNEW. But because he was ‘the guy’, then it was okay if THE WOLRD STOPPED FOR HIM. Because, trust me, it oftentimes did. And it felt totally natural for me and many of my friends to justify this, to obviate it. Because what we were not aware of is that we were obeying to the hierarchy that the patriarchy perpetuates, and that tells us that a man will always be prioritised over a woman. That you need to be so desperate to find a boyfriend or at least be seen and chosen by the male gaze that your friends – the women who love you and support you and will be there until the day of your death – are less important than the popular guys in your high school – even if they just want you for a day. This is why feminism is needed in this case: because it reveals to you that you and your female friends are not less important than any man, and that, hence, the world should not revolve around men. Sisters before misters because misters have it easy enough – and have always been put first up to this day. Are you starting to get the equation?
‘So I looked at his girlfriend’s Instagram page and mine looks a lot better, what a pathetic b she is’.
Well done past me and an infinite line of other girls, let me clap for you while you just perpetuated the patriarchy to your own disadvantage. One of the basic issues noted by feminism is that relationships between females are unfairly based on competition, which puts them against each other and debilitates them as a societal group. Because the greatest thing we can aspire to, according to the patriarchy, is to earn the male gaze’s attention, we are constantly set to fight against each other to be the ultimate choice for that gaze. And look at what I did there: I used Instagram as a tool to measure success, a success that would have made me more successful to the EYES of the man I liked. Because I LOOKED better, my chances of swapping my place from potential other woman to chosen romantic partner seemed bigger to me. So, as countless of my male ancestors have wanted me to, I compared myself to a girl I barely knew, picking on what I regarded to be her physical (and photo retouching?) flaws in order to establish that I was a more attractive object (please note, OBJECT) to the male gaze. Now, I am not saying you should care more about your crush’s girlfriend than about yourself. But maybe just remember that your worth should not be measured by comparing yourself to others, and let alone by how much ‘better’ than another woman you supposedly are at catching the male GAZE. Because that is what leads to being ‘the other woman’. And being ‘the other woman’ means you are going back to perpetuating the hierarchy I just told you about.
‘Stop complaining so much, you cannot really talk since you have never had a boyfriend and have never been hit by one’.
Woah that is what I call lack of information. When you tell me that I have not suffered ‘that many consequences’ of living in a patriarchal society reigned by sexism because I have not been hit by a boyfriend and that, furthermore, that is a reason why I should not be such a strong supporter of feminism, you are obviating that you:
- have no idea how patriarchy affects everyday life
- have not idea what feminism is.
Do all the things I have listed above sound like you need a boyfriend who hits you to go through them? I do not think so. This is exactly why feminism needs to be the response to these words too. This is why a huge part of the problem is what these cited words convey: the assumption that sexism can only be found in momentous events (for instance, a murder), and that feminism is, hence, ‘not so much needed’. We tend to assume that sexism only refers to a man murdering his girlfriend, or a woman being hit by her husband, or a difference in earning. But some of the most common, disastrous effects are those little things that happen everyday: the misconceptions in details that are thought to have nothing to do with the feminist movement but that, if you really know what the movement is about, you understand are at the core of the problem and in need of feminism to unpack them. We all suffer sexism every single day. So do not tell me that I need a boyfriend who hits me to actually be a victim of its consequences.
These are basic points. They are some of the most misunderstood and ridiculously uncared for, especially in Southern countries. They are the ones that, unbeknownst to most, perpetuate the problem. They are also the ones that happen the most, the ones in which women’s lives are soaked every single day.
La Voz de la Sirena 